Just want a deep breath!

I am struggling the last few days... to just breathe. Uggh! I think it is anxiety. Got much worse on Friday on our drive home from our vacation and has been an issue all weekend. I just canNOT get a good deep breath and I feel like I need to yawn all the time, but I can't. My heart is racing some too. I have to work hard not to focus on it, or I get panicky and it gets worse. I am better right when I wake up, but once my thoughts start racing, I start struggling. I feel like I am not getting enough oxygen - though I am sure I am, as I am not light-headed or turning blue or anything serious.

I am guessing that it stems from a big week coming up... and I am anxious about being able to handle it. Tom had a big meeting with the road assoc on Saturday at the same time that Will had his first soccer practice. Tomorrow morning I go back to running the office, and we start school for the year. We are implementing a new chore schedule, If/Then consequence chart, and daily routine with the beginning of school. Also working on healthy eating and exercise again. Tuesday I have to compile a food co-op order. Friday we start our co-op classes up again. Saturday my brother and his girl are in for brunch. All of this is great, fun stuff but I feel a lot of pressure to get things ready and be sure I have the energy to do it. I also feel myself dreading the migraine/depression that I anticipate in the next week or two with my cycle. I know I shouldn't expect it, should cover it in prayer and let go... but I just can't seem to do that. Please pray for/with me in the next couple weeks, that my health would dramatically improve and I would have better coping skills with that. Thank you!

Day 7

Not such a great day.

I woke up and felt fine, but as I moved about through the morning my lower back started to really hurt. I felt a bit crampy and my legs began to ache. I was concerned it was PMS, which would be bad since it had only been 2 weeks. I think now that it was my kidneys again. I went to church but the drive was pretty uncomfortable and so I went down and laid on the nursery floor and listened on the speaker. We had a fellowship meal after worship, I sat with the children and ate but was not able to stay for afternoon worship. We came home and I stayed in bed most of the afternoon. :(

At the meal, I ate okay. Did the best I could considering. I had taken some chicken and a bowl of veggies, I also grabbed some salad with roasted onion in it, some other veggies and couldn't resist a bowl of bear stew. I avoided the dessert table entirely and brought my water jug so just drank that.

After our naps, we enjoyed a roast and veggies from the crockpot. Tom and the kids played games in the evening and I sat in our room doing Bible reading, reading blogs and enjoying the uninterrupted time. I got struck with lots of sadness though and ended up crying on Tom's shoulder after he got kids to bed. Poor guy, so bewildered, I very rarely cry. I will go into more of my feelings in a different post, different page. Anyway... here is where the night went wrong. I ate 6 cashew turtles!!!! Waaaah ;( Frustrated with myself for turning to chocolate instead of going to God in prayer.

On the bright side, I DID drink an entire gallon of water!

Long overdue update

Okay, been so busy and haven't taken the time to post here. Nothing real exciting going on, I completed my yeast detox diet and have struggled since with my eating. I've gone from taking little cheats to full-blown s'more's Sat night. I had hoped to slide into low-carb and continue losing weight, but that didn't go so well... so then I decided to re-start the yeast detox diet, and that has gone even worse. I haven't gained any weight, am holding steady at 44lbs lost, but really need to get losing again to reach my goal by the end of the year.

I have not done well at all with exercise in the last month. I finished the T-Tapp challenge with over 19" lost, but could have done so much better had I been as consistent the 2nd 30-days as I was the first 30-days. I would like to do the 15-min Basic Workout each morning and get the Instructional #2 done a couple times in a week also... gotta just do it!

My cycle has not started again yet, so it's been 53 days now... grrr.... my acupuncture treatments are done now. I think I was getting the placebo after all is said and done. I have a few months of collecting urine samples at home and then go back for the final tests one last time. I am still glad I did it, was a good experience overall.

I have been waking early and having coffee with Tom, spending time in God's Word and prayer. That has been good. I've been kinda moody and down the last few days though. Will be better soon, pray for strength and self-control for me!

Cleansing Update

Okay, I have been working on a colon cleanse this week and it has definitely been... cleansing. I have been a bit more tired, achey, and many other signs of detox so I haven't posted here. There have been a couple of nights this week where I have felt like I was detoxing too fast so have had a bit of dinner to slow down so I could keep up with life. I know it would be better for me in the long run to just let it run it's course and spend a day or two in bed, but come on - who has time for that? :-) So, in general doing well. Have lost 7lbs. Still cycling but I think finally reaching the end. Have not replaced my T-Tapp DVDs yet, but to be honest, haven't tried real hard either since I've been tired. I AM encouraged that I am doing as well as I am considering I have been fasting the majority of the last 17 days. I am feeling a bit of a need to refocus, feel like I've started concentrating a lot on the physical and don't want to lose sight of the spiritual needs too - so will work on that in days coming. That's about it for now!

Confessions...

I have done poorly this weekend, for several reasons. We had our annual company dinner Friday night, which I knew about before I started the fast and decided that I would just plan to make an exception for. We had a great time but Saturday morning was also day 10 of my Amish Friendship bread, so I baked it that morning and was weak - very weak. The major reason though was that I was not supporting my weak flesh through prayer. I am restarting tomorrow morning and will be doing the 2 weeks all over again. I am sorry Lord for making promises I didn't keep, I am sorry to my dear friend for committing and falling short, and I am sorry for failing myself. Please pray for my strength in the coming weeks?

Goals for Week One

First Steps - to take as long as needed (time will vary).
(See whole list in left margin)

Spiritual - Blog notes after daily Bible reading.
Sleep - In bed by 11pm, lights out before midnight. Out of bed at 8am.
Eating - Liquid fast for 2 weeks Jan 2-15.
Exercise - T-Tapp More 5x per week.
Supplements - Melatonin @ 8pm and B Complex 2 / 3x daily.